THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES
by slappies
Summary: I reviewed the whole story, hope you all have time to re-read and see if this comes out better than the first vs. This is the way it should have ended...
1. Chapter 1

There is a particular kind of suffering to be experienced when

You love something greater than yourself. A tender sacrifice.

Like the pained silence felt in the long lost song of a mermaid; or

The bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. It is in every

Considered step I am taking in the opposite direction of you.

Lang Leav

 _Disclaimer:_

 _I do not own these characters. They belong to Paramount, and I am just borrowing them for a while. No copyright infringement intended. Jonas Fielding, however, is my original Character._

 _Summary:_

 _This is my first ever fan fiction. Please review and let me know what you think. All errors are mine._

 _Kathryn and Chakotay's story has fascinated me since I started watching Voyager. I can't let go of the feeling that Endgame should not have happened the way it did. It killed me to see her face at the end. I can't accept that they did not get together, so here is my fix._

 **CHAPTER 1**

There was a part of her that understood. She knew why he did it. She got it.

But all the stars in the heavens help her, it hurt. The kind of hurt that nothing will heal. Pain that was eating away at her.

Kathryn lifted her head to look at the stars from where she was standing on the balcony. Constellations she hadn't seen in 7 long years blinked backed at her, and the enormity of the betrayal she felt, the pain settled around her, inside her. It hadn't let up since that last day on the bridge when she turned and found him not by her side. Standing in a darkened corner of the balcony away from the glaring light of the Welcome Home ball where the music was blessedly muted, she tried to force some much-needed air into her lungs. It felt like she had been holding her breath forever and she couldn't stop gasping. She felt the feelings gaining momentum and once again tried to inhale deeply.

It had been a long month. Kathryn rubbed her temple without even realising, her fingers trying to lift the vice-like grip the headache had on her. Slowly rolling her neck backwards and to the sides, keeping her eyes focused on the stars above.

Her movement caused the emerald green dress to move slightly, the sound of the fabric whispered across her nerves. She had had enough of this day. She had enough of everything. Her back muscles visible in the backless gown she wore for the occasion, tensed and flexed. Phoebe had insisted on the dress. Something along the lines of her needing a reminder that she was a desirable woman.

She just felt old.

And tired. So damn tired.

Her sigh puffs over her lips and escapes into the air.

At her back, the music increases in volume, and she stiffens slightly. The captains mask shifts down over her face, her back straightens. Eyes turn to slate while she stares sightlessly across the night. Her arms folded protectively across her chest to hide the slight tremble in her fingers.

She knows who it is before he speaks. He steps up just behind her left shoulder. She feels the heat coming from his body, and his presence wraps around her like a physical thing. A cup passed over her shoulder, and the smell of coffee snaps her attention to the hand holding the cup.

"You looked like you might need this."

Slowly she reaches up and takes hold of the cup, their fingers touching and goosebumps break out on her skin. A shiver passes through her, and she wraps both her hands around the silver cup to try and stem the visceral knee-jerk reaction she feels when his hand slides back over her shoulder, slightly grazing the skin on the way back. Still, she faces forward, refusing to meet his eyes, even while she can feel his eyes branding her. She can almost feel his eyes moving down her exposed back. Her hand flutters to her temple again.

"Headache?" His voice whispers over her shoulder closer than she was expecting and she shivers. She doesn't answer, has barely spoken to him since they got back. She couldn't look at him. Had been avoiding doing so since they stepped of Voyager. Refusing to trust her voice she nods slightly, before dipping her head and taking a bracing sip of the coffee. The heat warms her insides, and she sighs.

"Kathryn…." His voice wraps the syllables of her name around his tongue, and she closes her eyes. She hates the way he says her name, the way it makes her heart expand and the vice tightens some more around her chest pushing more air out of already screaming lungs.

"Kathryn. Look at me."

She dips her head in response and takes another sip of her coffee. She can't do this. She can't do this right now. She wasn't ready yet. She didn't think she would ever be prepared. His weight shifts at her back and her hands grip white around the cup. Another dip of her head and another sip of coffee. She knows just before she feels his hands that he is going to touch her. Something inside her tightens; intensifying the ache inside to painful pinpoints. Her body stiffens, and her back straightens further to place as much space as possible between them.

"Don't." Her voice is low and controlled. The rasp pronounced and grating. "Don't." She repeats. She dips her head again and before she can take another sip a hand shoots out, takes possession of the cup and places it roughly on the small table next to her. The sound of steel meeting glass is shattering and loud in the silence.

She feels his anger rolling off him, picking up on the way his broad frame is almost vibrating with the emotion. His hands shoot up and encircle her upper arms, spins her around and their eyes clash and hold. The contact is like glass shattering. Something fractures inside her, her lungs expand, and for the first time in a month, she sucks in a deep breath. The relief is instant.

"For all that I hold holy woman, will you look at me. Look at me, Kathryn! Just…"

Suddenly she steps into him. His voice cuts off mid-sentence, the anger fizzling and something else takes its place as her breasts make contact with his rapidly rising chest. His lungs seise. His eyes widen slightly; she sees the desire fire stark and wild in his eyes. His nostrils flare as he inhales sharply, overdosing on her smell this close to him. Pupils dilate even further, turning his eyes black as onyx.

And for once in her life, Kathryn Janeway stops thinking. She looks at the man she loves more than her own life, more than anybody before; and does the only thing left for her to do.

She says goodbye.

On her terms.

Her hands make contact with his chest as she lifts herself up to his face. And she feels him suck in a breath right before her lips make contact with his.

Everything stops.

The world around her fades into nothing, her whole being drowning in the feel of his mouth. A raw sound escapes his chest, the sound vibrating and echoing through her chest.

Before she can move away his hands take possession of her hips, pushing her back against the railing. A storm of sensation shocking through her. The contact of his hand on her open back is like a current through both of them, and her moan cuts the silence around them vividly. She can't get enough of his mouth, the taste of his tongue when he takes control of the kiss. His mouth slants across hers, across her cheek and she arches her neck as he breaks contact with her and drags his mouth across her throat.

"Chakotay.." Her voice rasps and roughens over the word, torn from her mouth. His name had not been used for so long, and it felt like forbidden in her mouth.

Kathryn throws her head back sucking in air; she was on fire. His arms crushed her to him, and a sound, almost like he was in pain, fires her blood. His hands strip down her back, one arm supporting her and forcing her backwards, straining towards the balcony railing. The cold metal against her exposed back shocks through her. His hand comes up, skims over her breast and she sucks in another breath.

It was almost too much.

His mouth took possession of hers, kissing her with so much passion that she didn't feel of this earth. Her blood fired through her, and her arms travelled up and locked around his neck, tangles into his hair. A hand closes over her breast, and her knees buckle, tightening his arm around her in response, pulling her into him even more.

He rips his mouth from her and sucks in a breath. Her lips feel swollen and bruised, and she moans low in her throat when his hand kneads around her breast, her eyes blazing from her face, burning into his glazed hooded eyes.

The feelings were so overwhelming that she couldn't remember the reason she had to stop this. Chakotay's hand travels up to her face, gently cupping her cheek and he starts to drop his head back towards her. His eyes glazed and passion filled, he was everything she could have ever wanted, everything she needed. She would remember him like this for the rest of her life. And then reality slowly creeps into her consciousness like it always does.

He was not hers.

Her hands unwillingly unlock from behind his neck and slipped down his heaving chest. His eyes fire with emotion, and she sees the moment he realises what she is about to do.

"NO!" His voice rips the word apart.

The music volume lifts in the background.

"Captain?" Tom Paris's voice queries from the door. His blonde head swivels in the opposite direction from the two people locked in each other arms. The anger on Chakotay's face as she steps out of his arms slams against her. His arms fall onto the balcony railing. By the time Tom looks in their direction, Kathryn is standing facing him. Captains mask firmly in place. Chakotay struggles to get his face and body under control and remains starring out at night. He clutched his chest, felt her straighten next to him, almost hear the walls crashing down around her as she shuts Kathryn away and the Captain faces Tom.

"Captain?" Toms' voice raised slightly. His eyes were straining into the darkness surrounding them.

Kathryn takes a step forward and feels agony slicing into her. Her hand opens and closes convulsively, still feeling Chakotay's hair threading through her fingers. Numbness spreads outward from her chest, she swallows convulsively, and her mouth opens. The wail claws itself upward into her throat, broken glass cutting its way towards the opening that is her mouth. She slams her lips shut, closing her eyes briefly, and squaring her shoulders.

"Yes, Mr Paris?" Her voice sounds dead. Chakotay drops his chin and sucks in a breath. He needs to hold her. He needs to make it stop. He needs to feel his Kathryn alive in his arms again. He NEEDS….

"Captain, your presence is needed inside." Tom's head swivels from her to the man standing rigidly next to her, puzzled by the tension crackling the air like ice. Chakotay balls his hands into fists, tremors running through him as he fights for some control.

She walks away from him like nothing happened and his world comes crashing down around him. Feeling like he had been caught unaware in the solar plexus, he can't seem to find his breath; she hesitates as she steps through the balcony doors. For a moment he feels her looking at him, then her voice reaches him where he is still standing holding on to the balcony railing. Of all the times they have fought, of all the times he could have gladly strangled her, this moment tears through him because he knows what she is about to say. He knows, and he can't stop it. And his soul is in his eyes when he swings around to her. His eyes plead with her, silently screaming at her to look at him, to please not do this. And then her eyes meet his, and he can feel the panic flailing powerless inside his chest. Slate grey nothing stares at him without really seeing, staring through him rather than at him.

"Goodbye Commander." She lets go of the door, turns to Tom, and steps into the ballroom with him.

Chakotay can't catch his breath, and he doubles over. His breath gets stuck in his throat, and he blindly grasps the balcony railing. His heart contracts and a sound escapes his lips without any ability to stop it. He gasps, and it boils and turns inside his chest. He folds forward trying in vain to stem the pain. He blindly clutches at his chest again. No. She didn't just do that. She didn't just walk away from them. He bellows into the night. The sound is tearing up from his soul, rendering his throat bare and raw.

The next moment the sky explodes in a profusion of colour and sound. The finale to their welcome home. The cacophony drowns out his shout and makes it part of the explosion of colour shading the night in neon colours.

He loves her. She is what makes him a better man; she makes him fight to be that man he sees when she looks at him. Darkness yawns at his feet, and the world tilts.

Nothing and nobody will ever change that, nothing he does will change that, and nothing she does will ever change that. Comprehension settles over him, stark and clear through the anger and the pain.

She knew. Somehow she knew about Seven. That's what this was all about. That's why she was waiting out here for him. She has been waiting and planning this all this time since he saw her looking at him across the bridge with Earth at her back in the view screen. He thought that she didn't love him. He had been so sure of that.

But her face that day.

He can't get that look on her face out of his head.

It haunts him.

That was the last time he could get close to her, for the last month they have been in debriefings, and any attempt on his part to make contact had been redirected. He didn't realise that she has been the one doing the directing until this moment. He didn't see this coming. She got the Maquis exonerated, with full pardons and retention of field commissions. She made good on every single promise she ever made. Officially and unofficially. The Doctor, Seven, Icheb, Tom. So many unspoken promises, so many lives that depended on her. And she brought them home. He made one promise to her.

His chest heaves. He felt sick.

Kathryn Janeway was the unbreakable captain; she was his friend, she was his, like his limbs where a part of his body. Things were strained with them, it had been for some time, but her face, when she looked for him at her side and then found him next to Seven; it will forever be part of his nightmares. He did that. To her. The woman whom he loved more than life itself, the missing piece of his soul. He did that. He killed her as surely as he pulled a phaser on her. And for the first time since they stepped away from Voyager, he panics because he doesn't know if he can fix this. Blind panic makes him spin around, frantic to get to her.

B'Elanna places a hand on his chest, halting his forward movement. He groans, and flicks his eyes over her head, trying to step past her but her hand keeps him in place.

"Easy there big guy. Take a breath; you are as white as a sheet. No need to put the crew on red alert looking like you do." Her voice is worried, and her eyes betray her concern. " What the hell is going on Chakotay?!" Her voice hisses through her lips and smacks into him. He sucks in a breath, rolls his shoulders, another breath, and shoulders the panic. He takes a step back and meets B'Elanna's eyes.

He doesn't know what she sees there, but it is enough to rip a string of Klingon curses from her lips. "You are a damn Ptak!" And she shoves him, hard enough to make him take a step back. Her eyes flick over her shoulder and back to him.

"What did you do?! Is it true?" Chakotay swallows, tries to clear his throat, flicks his eyes up past her and catches a shimmer of green as it slips past the exit of the ballroom, closely followed by Tom. The look on Tom's face as he shoots a glance at the balcony door forces him forward. His senses and his focus go into Red alert mode, and calm forces its way past the panic, pushes the anger out of the way and settles in his gut, cold and clear. Once again B'Elanna steps in front of him, forcing him to focus on her. "Please…" the word tears past white lips.

Flint hard eyes meet his, angry, hurt. He hasn't seen her like this since their time in the Maqui.

"Please B'Elanna, let me fix this, let me go to her." He hears the edge in his voice, the begging sound that soaks through the words and makes her eyes go black and furious.

"Kahless, you have done enough. What were you thinking Chakotay?! Seven?!" She rakes her hands through her hair, scattering pins over the balcony floor. The light from the finale flashes in technicolour over her face, giving it a harsh look, unforgiving. She meets his eyes again and gets right into his face. "You fix this. You fix this Chakotay, or so help me, I will never forgive you." Her eyes fire up at him. He reaches for her and briefly crushes her to him before he steps past her. Urgency fills him, and he walks past the doors into the ballroom, past the people trying to stop him, and out the door. He has to fix this. He has to. Nothing else matters but this.

Home is nothing without her.


	2. Chapter 2

HER

There is so much history in the way he looks at her. In the way he says her name. When they are together, there is a current that runs between them; like an electric charge on the verge of erupting into a perfect storm.

I don't love her anymore, he says.

And it is the way he says the word her — that tells me otherwise.

-Lang Leav

 **CHAPTER 2**

 _Just before Admiral Janeway boards the shuttle to confront the Borg Queen…_

When would she seek him out? She had been avoiding talking with him so well that he was a little taken aback. What kind of a future did she come from that she could not meet his eyes? That talking to him seemed to be a cause of physical discomfort to her? He could not understand how things had gotten so wrong between them. How is it possible that between New Earth and her reality she could not bear to be close to him?

These questions burn Chakotay. They run around in his head like a never-ending circle, a merry go round that doesn't show any sign of slowing down. His quarters were quite, he was trying to meditate but wasn't having much luck, and he was supposed to catch up with Seven in an hour, but something was keeping him here. He gets off the floor where he had been sitting with his bundle and stalks restlessly to the window where the stars are streaking past in never-ending ribbons of light.

Space has always drawn him. Nothing could take away the wonder of exploring new places, having the opportunity to meet new species with cultures and worlds so diverse and awe-inspiring that he still manages to catch his breath at times. And exploring these places, with this crew, with this Captain, with Kathryn, has been the best and worst of times. A small smile pulls his dimples out of hiding, and his reflection in the window responds accordingly.

His eyes turn pensive, and he stands at parade rest, contemplating the last seven years. It's been some time since he has had the time to slow down enough to let his mind roam free. Images of the places, and the people that he has had the fortune of sharing the last 7 years with, flickers across his internal landscape. The faces of those they had lost, of the losses and sacrifices they endured and through it all the backbone that is Kathryn, spikes through it all. Her stubborn, deuterium plated determination to get them home, her drive, her strength, and the beauty of her soul.

They have been drifting apart lately.

He sighs, dips his head forward and runs a hand through his hair, making the neat hair stand slightly on end. The sound of the door chime clatters through the silence in his quarters, disturbing internal waters that where muddy to begin with.

"Come."

The hiss of the door as it slides open alerts him that he had a visitor, but he maintains his stance looking out the window. The reflection in the glass already betrayed her identity. The white from her hair reflects clearly in the pane, the silver blending with the platinum streaks outside.

"I was wondering when you would get around to me." He says as he hears her walking to join him at the window. She remains silent, coming to stand next to him in a similar stance, hands lightly clasped behind her back, feet spread slightly. She faced the stars, and a strange look passes over her face.

"This feels different than I thought it would." her voice sounds the same… but somehow more gravelly. Its as if the years and her added experiences had roughed her voice like sandpaper that smoothed the words into his ears. He loved the sound of her voice, always had. It dipped and grit over his mind, and he closed his eyes, cocking his head slightly to listen to the way it polished the words and made them sound so unbearably beautiful, no matter what she said.

He turns his head towards her and finds her staring at him. And for the first time since she stepped off the transporter their eyes met and held. She does nothing to avoid his eyes, just looks at him. She is still achingly beautiful. Back still straight, hair white grey but still the woman he was once in love with. But her eyes are different. They reflect a feeling of sorrow that his Kathryn had not experienced yet.

This woman in front of him has suffered.

And she was still in pain.

Even if she looked like Kathryn, she was not. She was not the woman sitting next to him on the bridge. There were similarities, but they were not the same person. Maybe one day, but not yet.

"How are you Chakotay?" Her questions startle a laugh out of him in its everydayness and smooth away the slight frown that was forming on his forehead. Her eyes crease at the corners when she hears the sound, her lips faintly tilting upwards in that all too familiar lopsided smile of hers. It looks rusty like she has not smiled like that in a very long time. He grins at her, and his dimples come out to play. Her quick inhale goes by almost unnoticed, but her eyes spark and flicker to his mouth and then back to his eyes, and up to his tattoo. Mapping his face quickly and without hesitation, no concern about being caught looking at him this intently.

"I miss you." The words spring unbidden to his lips and tumble over his lips before he has a thought to stop them. Her eyes turn to liquid blue pools, and before he thinks about it twice, he pulls her to him and surrounds her with his arms. "I miss you Kathryn, more than I thought was possible with you so close by. I miss you, and it doesn't make sense." The words fall over themselves in their haste to be said. Words that he would never think of professing to his Kathryn, fall over themselves like tumbleweeds to be spoken to this women. He can't explain it, he doesn't know why, but deep down where it matters, he knows that this is important. More important than anything he has ever done. He knows that this matters to her, that she NEEDS to hear this.

This moment, right now, matters. His bones vibrate with the knowledge. He sees the future in her eyes, and it scares him more than anything he has ever felt.

"What happened to you?" He asks because he is too hesitant to ask the other more obvious question. The question that sits at the tip of his tongue being held back by the tight clench of his teeth. What happened to us? Her head fits under his chin, and she inhales deeply, a shudder passes through her, and for a moment he isn't sure if she is crying, but then she wraps her arms around him. So tight, that he wonders if she will ever let go. She lifts her head and silver strands fall back from her face, revealing her eyes that speak more to him than her mouth ever will.

"I lost the one thing that was more important to me than getting home. And I didn't figure it out until it was too late." Her eyes dipped to his mouth again, slowly met his again before she lifts her hand and gently placed it on his cheek before pushing it into his hair. He freezes in place and watches in fascination the reverence that plays across her face. Her fingers slide through his hair to the nape of his neck to apply gentle pressure to dip his head towards hers.

Chakotay swallowed heavily. He closed his eyes and pushed anything else but the feeling of her out of his head and when her lips meet his, it is gentle. She gently kisses him, with so much tender love that he feels the lump forming in his throat. After a mere moment, she pulls back, looks at him and says something that he never thought he would ever hear her speak.

"I love you. I love you, more than anything or anyone since before or after you. I needed to tell you that. Because I never did when I should have with my Chakotay….and I lost him." Her whisper is harsh and painful. Her eyes are filled to the brim with tears, and one slowly escapes onto her cheek. "Please Chakotay. Please." Her voice tears at him, and it hurts listening to her because he has never heard Kathryn beg. In seven years, no matter how bad it got, he has never heard her plead. He wanted to stop this, it wasn't right, and he opens his mouth, but she silences him by putting her fingers on his lips.

"I can't ask you to love me. I can't ask that of you if you already love another…but if there is even a chance that you love me, no matter how slim. Then I beg you. Please, please do not give up on me." Her eyes and face plead with him, raw and honest.

He looks down at the woman in his arms for a long time. And she waits, patiently, silently while what she said plays havoc with his heart and with his head. It rips the scab off a wound that has never really healed, allowing it to bleed fresh and painfully. Finally, after what feels like an eternity later, she lifts her fingers from his mouth, tips herself up on her toes, gently kisses him softly, once, twice before she lets go slowly. She steps back, takes one last long look at him and walks to the door. She hesitates with her hand over the sensor, turns back to him where he is standing frozen by the viewport, and says the last words that Admiral Kathryn Janeway will ever speak to him.

"I will give you the time that I should have given you when I was out here. This is my gift to you. What you do with it, is your future to make, and whomever you share it with is for you to decide. But Chakotay…." and she looks him straight in the eye, sure, determined. "know that I..." a slight hesitation, pain vivid in her eyes, "Know that SHE loves you, and I swear she will make you happy." And with those parting words in his ears, she activates the door and walks out without glancing back.


	3. Chapter 3

The end

"I don't know what to say," he said.

"It's okay," she replied, "I know what we are — and I know what we're not."

Lang Leav

 **CHAPTER 3**

Tom was worried. No that's too mild. He was on edge, tense, anxious and getting to the point where the pecking words were fasting turning into flat-out panic. He was unsure what exactly was going on, but something told him that something terrible, something awful, just happened. The last month he has been observing the Captain, he usually did, but he has been distracted with Miral and had not been paying too close attention. Tonight when Kathryn walked into that ballroom, every single Tom Paris red alert had gone off.

Kathryn had never been a showboat. Yet she wore a dress that made him nearly swallow his tongue, and turned every male's attention to her. It was made of emerald green silk, and it flowed around her body like it was a living thing. She looked magnificent. When she turned around, and he saw her back, he heard a choking sound behind him and caught Chakotay sputtering on his drink, his eyes glued to her. The way the man looked at her, was like a physical touch. His eyes caught the Captains, and so the night commenced, watching the Captain escape and Chakotay give chase.

Tom had spent a lot of time around Kathryn Janeway, not just while being a member of her crew. With both their fathers being Admirals and friends, there was a certain amount of exposure to each other that could not be avoided. He had a lot of memories that were reserved under her name in his childhood, and he would say it is a fair assessment that he has learned after many years to 'read' the Captain. He wasn't always correct, but he could give a fair warning when needed.

He knew exactly when things were going to hell in a handbasket on away missions. She would suddenly become overly relaxed and almost motionless, and her voice…her voice took on this purring quality, vibrating sensuously up your spine, right until she told you in no uncertain terms to take a spacewalk without a suit.

He had seen her after her Father and Justin's accident. He had seen her; briefly. She had opened the door of her mother's house in Indiana when his family went over to give their condolences. He had seen what losing them had done to her. He still sees it reflected in her eyes every now and again. It was in the way she would dip her head, go completely motionless, and her eyes would go away to a place where the people you have loved and lost still live, vivid and alive, forever trapped in memory. It had changed her in ways that were difficult to explain, but she became more closed of, more reserved, more guarded especially around those she loved, an abstract canvas that didn't reveal too much detail.

She was a good poker player, he had lost enough credits to her to know that. Her ability to keep a straight face even when she was haemorrhaging to death on the inside is what got her the Captaincy of Voyager. Her intelligence, determination and her ability to just work herself into the ground, and then get back up and do it all again was part and parcel of the remarkable Captain she became.

She was loyal, she was compassionate, she was one of the best human beings he had ever met. She inspired people to greatness.

Kathryn Janeway was always busy, always on the move. The woman was perpetual activity in motion with the force of a hurricane that would motivate people to do the impossible. She was made of the kind of metal that had not even been discovered yet because it was that strong. She may bend, but she did not break.

But her face when she stepped into the light on the balcony just now…

There was a time with the Maquis, early on with them, when he was beamed down to a village on a settlers planet. The place had been decimated by the Cardassians. He and a team were sent down to look for survivors.

The things he saw there that day is etched onto his memory like acid on a steel canvas, nothing he did could erase the things he saw that day. He still had nightmares about it. He was the field medic on that day, and while he was making his way around a village that was still burning, the silence was eerie. The only sound was the fire. There where no calls for help. There was death everywhere. Women, children, and men. Death didn't distinguish in who it took or in the brutality in which it brought them to their end. This was war. The smell that permeated the air was rancid, brutal and metallic. Saturated in the blood of hundreds of people that where lying broken and forever silent.

It was the wailing from one of the houses that drew them. There was a young man, and he was cradling a woman who very obviously pregnant. Tom rushed forward to help, and when he pulled out the tricorder to scan them, the horrific injuries the woman had sustained during the attack was made clinically cold in a couple lines of computer code. The horror of what was playing out in front of them was simplified to a couple of words on an instrument.

She was beyond saving.

Even if they could beam her to a fully functioning sick bed, which they couldn't, nothing could be done to save her. Her vividly green eyes were locked on what could only be assumed was her life partner, one of her hands was gently curved over the swell of her abdomen.

"Jonas…" her voice was so quiet that it was almost missed by the man openly crying, desperately clutching at her. Her other hand gently came up with great effort to cup his face and turn it to her. Her eyes were wide and filled with so much love that it was like seeing a living entity starring out of them. Tom could see that she was well past the point of pain, she was just there, teetering off the knife edge of here and not. She gave him a smile so beautiful it took Tom's breath away, it was so achingly sad in its beauty, that it made his chest burn. She loved Jonas, and she loved that baby. A little one that would now never be born, forever cradled in its mother's womb. A little one that had already paved the way his mother would soon follow.

"Jonas." The inflection in her voice when she whispered his name before it got caught in a ragged breath, expressed more feeling in the single sound of his name than what she could ever convey. Jonas held her so tightly it would have been painful had she still been able to feel.

"Claire!" The sound of her name on his lips was like listening to the word agony made real. He was begging her not to leave him, he was telling her that he loved her. So many things said in a single word, not enough. It made all the hair stand up on Tom's body. He would never get this image out of his mind, a moment that was so private in its brutality, so final. Nothing he could do to save her, to protect them.

Her hands slowly slid to her sides. Her eyes were locked on Jonas, unblinking. One moment Claire was there, the next, there was just nothing. No life, no love.

Nothing.

Nobody can ever prepare you or explain to you fully that you can SEE when your loved one is no longer there. They just…leave, one moment its someone you love, and the next it is a shell of something that looked vaguely like a person that was your life. Like a light being flicked off in a room that is then left bare in it's darkened solitude. It had been the most heartbreakingly painful thing he had ever witnessed. Jonas never stopped looking at her eyes. He didn't look away for one moment like he was willing her back to his side by staring into her eyes. Finally, he blinked, he gently covered her eyes with his hands and closed them for the final time. Those bright eyes where forever dull now.

When that man finally looked up at Tom, the look on his face and eyes where like he had left with her. There was nothing in his eyes.

Nothing.

He had died with her, as surely as if his own injuries was too much to sustain life. The tricorder had told Tom that Jonas had minor injuries when he scanned him earlier, but what Tom saw in his face that day, communicated to him that this man was mortally injured. He would not come back from this, and he didn't. He merely laid down next to her, gently cradling her body with their child wrapped in between them, and closed his eyes.

There were no survivors in that village. Not one.

He had hoped to never ever see that again.

But when the Captain had stepped into the light…her eyes held nothing. Kathryn was no longer there. Her eyes were a blank slate, and the Captain was the only one there. When she took his arm, it was like he was staring at a stranger. She looked through him, not at him. For the first time, he understood how the Admiral came to be.

He finally understood. He knew that nothing they went through in seven years had broken this woman. But tonight she had laid down and died. He followed her to the exit as she made her way there, her fingers trembling slightly on his arm.

Right before they stepped out of the ballroom, his eyes caught Chakotay's face on the balcony and what he saw there scarred him like nothing the Delta Quadrant could throw at them. Because what he saw was death. She had said goodbye.

PS: hope you are enjoying it so far. I always felt like the emotions of what the crew experienced during those seven years and the depth of feeling between Chakotay and Kathryn was never fully explored. Please let me know if this is too much. I know it is angsty, very much so, but emotions are brutal and felt like giving two of my favourite characters the ability to FEEL it all. Do you think I am getting it right? Pls feel free to comment, I am still learning. Will post again soon.


	4. Chapter 4

A small consolation

Everything that we once were,

Is now sad and lonely verse

When once I had so much to say,

I am now bereft of words.

Sometimes it is the order of things,

That makes them seem much worse.

It's not as if you would have stayed,

If I hadn't left you first.

-LANG LEAV

 **CHAPTER 4**

Tom had gone looking for the Captain and Chakotay after Admiral Patterson had expressed a desire to meet the command duo while they were talking to Owen Paris. The night was utterly ridiculous. The amount of smoke being blown up the proverbial hole, was enough to make her gag. Her eyes tracked Tom as he does his usual zigzag between the crew looking for the command duo, catching up with fellow crew members along the way. He laughs at something Harry throws his way, and it makes her smile to see him so lighthearted, watching the quick response that Toms comes back with that makes Harry's jaw drop before he puts his head back and bursts out laughing. Kahless but it was good to see them laugh. A small laugh escapes her own mouth because of their antics, and Owen smiles down at her from where he is standing by her side listening to Patterson droning on about something. B'lanna meets his eyes briefly before dipping her head and appearing to be listening intently to whatever the pompous ass in front of her is dribbling on about. The man was insufferable.

Her gaze skitters back towards Tom from beneath her lashes. Her heart gives a little leap looking at him in his old-fashioned tux. Boy did flyboy clean up well. Her mouth waters just a little bit as she took him in. Happiness seemed like such an inadequate word to describe her feelings for him. He made her happy just by looking at him, he made her whole only by being him, and his love for her and Miral made the universe a place to treasure. She closed her eyes briefly and thinks of their time together. The memories skip behind her eyes like pebbles over water and skim a smile across her lips before she opens her eyes to find the man that makes her grateful to feel the conflicting emotions he inspires.

His ability to inspire violence in her regularly but at the same time wanting to love him to pieces, reminds her daily of her dual nature. Klingons do not do sap. And what she feels for this man, is pure unadulterated sap. It grows every day, becoming more significant than her and them, it is so much a part of her now, that she would not separate this from herself even if she could. She would not give this up for all the stars in the heavens. Tom and his love were so integrally intertwined with who she is now that sometimes she wonders where she ends and he begins.

Her hand tips the glass she was holding up to her mouth and finished the last of the synthenol she had been nursing while half listening to the conversation. Miral would be holding out for a feed when she got back, stubborn little thing just like her mother. The thought made her grin. She couldn't wait to get out of this pretentious ball. What she wouldn't give right now to be in Sandrine's on Voyager. Her dress was too formal, her feet where sore and her hair was in some formal updo that was killing her. Tom loved this, he was working the crowd as only Tom could. But all B'Elanna could think of was that it had been a long month. They needed some time to themselves. She didn't know how the Captain did all she did and still looked the way she did tonight. A small frown creeps onto her face.

Something has been going on tonight. She can't quite place the feeling, but Tom has been unusually quiet and was continuously watching the Captain. It was like watching him trying to work out the last kinks in a holonovel, and he was getting frustrated because he couldn't quite get the right coding into the system. Something was bothering him. When the Captain had walked through the door tonight her jaw had dropped. The woman will never stop pulling surprises on B'Elanna. That dress was something else. How she managed to hide this side of herself for 7 years, she didn't know. Harry nearly swallowed his tongue and Chakotay… the man almost had a stroke.

What was on his face when he looked at her belied every piece of crappy scuttlebutt she had heard tonight about him and Seven. No way would a man look like he did at the Captain and be dating someone else. The p'tak nearly ate her up with his eyes. He went hunting for her soon after. But the Captain is not easy prey to stalk, she was an expert at evading the hunter. B'Elanna had been enjoying seeing her giving him the run around for most of the night. Needless to say, this caused a fair amount of talk in itself. No-one looking at them tonight could deny that something was about to happen. The chemistry between the two when their eyes met before the Captain looked at the man at her side who was eagerly trying to gain her attention, was like watching fireworks explode. A fuse had been lit tonight.

She knew her friend. She knew him better than most and what she saw in his face was enough to reassure her that the rumours doing the rounds were just that, rumours. She sincerely hoped that now that they where back things would work out for them. They could singe the eyebrows of Tuvok with all the suppressed sexual tension that was present with those two. Good heavens, it made her fan herself just thinking of it.

The music was changing rapidly in the background, and the ballroom had thinned significantly of brass. Most of the people remaining were Voyager crew members, and the party was finally rolling to an end. The speeches had been completed, and the commendations were given. The Captain had an Admiral role to step into once she gets back from the 6 months leave she was entitled to. The leave was not optional. All members of the crew had been informed that if they wished to remain in Starfleet, they had to take some time away. After seven years of very sporadic and short-lived shore leave, 6 months stretches like an eternity in front of her. She couldn't wait.

B'Elanna looked around at the people she spent so much time with over the last years. She had so many memories of them. Harry was laughing at something Tuvok had said, and the way his eyebrow shot skyward told B'Elanna more than anything that he did not see the reason for the very obvious amusement. Chell joined the conversation, and soon he too was laughing with Harry.

These people were part of her family. And they surrounded her and protected her. Nobody could ever take the feeling they inspired away from her. They were finally home, but she would not trade the time she got to spend with them for anything. She would miss them terribly when they scattered to the stars in the coming 6 months.

She had lost track of Tom in the throng of people and decided to go find him. Patterson's droning was still going on in the background, and she would make an utter fool of herself if she were to be pulled into the conversation now as she had stopped listening long enough now to lose track of the conversation altogether. She snorted, and Owen gave her a slight frown. She took the hint and excused herself quickly.

B'Elanna walked to the last place she saw her husband and was about to make a break for the balcony where she could see Tom standing with his back to her when the Captain stepped up to him. The Captain stopped and looked back for a moment and said something to someone outside before stepping through the doors and placing her hand on Tom's arm. A frown pulled the smile B'Elanna had forming when she spotted Tom and made her stop in her tracks. Something in the Captain's face was…off. She started forward again but then Tom turned around and his eyes locked with hers briefly.

Something in B'Elanna pulled tight.

Her eyes fixed on his face and watched as he dropped his gaze to the woman at his side, to the door and back and then they started across the ballroom towards the exit. He was gently steering the Captain, and she followed. B'Elanna couldn't understand why this seemed so wrong. Then the light went on.

Kathryn Janeway never followed. She leads the way, she was always the one that others followed. For as long as B'Elanna had known the Captain, she has never ever allowed herself to be lead around like she was doing now. She forged her way through a crowd, commanded attention and respect. Something was wrong. Something had happened. B'Elanna's eyes stormed to the balcony doors and then flipped back to where Tom was trying to divert attention away from Kathryn as they passed.

She made her choice and quickly stepped through the doors to the balcony and firmly shut them just as fireworks explode in the sky, her body tensed, ready to take on whatever came her way. Her gaze was drawn through the darkness and found the man standing bent over the balcony railing with fist balled. His breathing was hitching through his chest like he was struggling to get air into his lungs and B'Elanna stepped forward in concern.

A new volley of fireworks explode in the sky, rendering the look on his face in stark technicolour for all the world to see, and her gasp hitches in her chest as she watches sound tearing soundlessly from his mouth, drowned by the explosions in the background. It was like he was rendering the world in two. The pain that was stark on his face etched itself into her memory, and she instinctively went closer to him. B'Elanna couldn't understand what would make Chakotay react like this, but the blind panic on his face when he swung around to her instinctively made her place a steadying hand on his chest.

The groan that tears through him at the contact slitters into her and lodged painfully in her throat. His eyes barely acknowledge her but scatter over her head toward the balcony windows, trying to step past her. She halts his forward motion again and takes a deep breath.

"Easy there big guy. Take a breath, you are as white as a sheet. No need to put the crew on red alert looking like you do." She hears the concern in her voice, but she tries to keep her voice steady, calming, soothing him. He looks ready to bolt at the drop of a hat. Concern and worry set into fear. "What the hell is going on Chakotay?" She sees him sucking in a steadying breath, see him taking control of the panic and reign it back in. The shift in his shoulders, the harsh movement of big muscles and then the firm step back before he lifts his eyes to meet hers.

No.

This man couldn't have done what he did. Chakotay was the most loyal of people she had ever known. He did not love easy, he did not tolerate fools easily. But who he loved and the people he trusted were precious to him. The man was loyal to a fault, and his loyalty to the Captain is what helped them get through seven years of hell. Their unspoken feelings were the one constant in their time on that ship. But what she saw in his eyes made her doubt everything that she believed of him. Because the guilt and the raw pain there could only mean one thing.

Curse after curse spew from her mouth, and the vileness coming out in streams is still not enough to get the bitter arsenic taste out of her mouth. "You are a damn P'tak!" And before she can stop herself, she shoves him, hard. She is breathing hard and denial streaks through her.

"Why did you do it?! Is it true?" He flinches at her words, and for a moment she closes her eyes as everything she knew about him crashing to the floor in bitter disappointment. She feels tears sting the back of her throat in bitter acceptance. She knew he loved the Captain. They all did. The way Chakotay looked at her was like a dying man looked at his salvation. She knew that things had been awkward between them, but she never expected this. Her belief in his constancy was shaken, and it made her question so much. Because if she was wrong about this….

His eyes flew over her shoulders again, and she sees something flash over his face. The guilt is replaced by determination, and he stepped forward again. And finally, her fury fully rears its ugly head. She was hopping mad. Stupid, stupid man. What was he thinking! His eyes are forced to meet hers again.

"Please…". The word notches emotions another notch or two, and B'Elanna feels like pulling him apart. Her hands open and closes, and she can feel the anger bubbling like lava. This wasn't right. He shouldn't have done this. Why was she this mad at him?

And then it hits her like a starship.

Kathryn was the mother she always wanted. She loved her. Kathryn was family, she was precious to her. And this stupid, stupid man in front of her who she cared about equally as much, had gone and stuffed up her family and her happily ever after.

"Please B'Elanna, let me fix this, let me go to her."

He was begging. Chakotay was begging. What the hell?! Everything felt upside down and top side up. This couldn't be happening. He loved Kathryn. He said he loved B'Ellanna. And once again her world did another flip.

"So help me Kahless, you have done enough. What were you thinking Chakotay?! Seven?!" Her hand automatically pulls towards her head to tear through her hair in frustration, only to encounter the hairpins that had been slowly giving her a headache the whole night. In her anger she tears her fingers through the carefully constructed hairstyle, scattering pins everywhere and the sharp pain of her hair being pulled out at the roots grounds her in this moment. She steps into his space, ready to shove him again, but instead looks up at him and spits at him:

"You fix this. You fix this Chakotay, or so help me, I will never forgive you." The tears that spring to her eyes are unexpected. It catches her off guard. Stupid breastfeeding hormones. How is it possible for her to want to kick him and cry all over him at the same time? The look on his face speaks volumes to her, he was sorry all right. He would fix this. He had to. He pulled her into his arms for a hug, and she goes willingly, hugging him back fiercely. He lets go, and she turns and watches as he steps past her, and disappears through the door.

And all she wants to do is go back to Voyager and the Delta Quadrant. Earth sucked as Tom would say.


	5. Chapter 5

Soul mates

I don't know how you are so familiar to me — or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before — in another time, a different place — some other existence.

\- LANG LEAV

 **CHAPTER 5**

Almost five months after the homecoming ball…

"Kathryn you need to come home!" Phoebe's face filled the monitor screen, and Kathryn closed her eyes against the pleading in her eyes. Once again she wasn't ready, she needed more time.

"Please, Kath…please just come home. We miss you. I don't know what is going on with you, and I understand that you needed some time after coming back, but its been 4 months. Please. Mum really needs to spend some time with you." There is a sound in the background and Phoebe briefly flicks her gaze over her shoulder. Her eyes returned to the screen, and she sighs deeply before she continues. "At least send us a video link message, just so that we can see you. Mum is anxious. It's been long enough, its time to come home and spend some time with us, you didn't say much in the letter you left." The noise in the background distracts her again before she turns to the screen a final time."Please Sis, just come home. We love you, hope to hear from you soon." And with that, the message ends. Phoebe almost never called her Sis. The last time she did that was when Daddy and Justin had died.

Kathryn closed the monitor. The message had been left for her two weeks ago. She sighs, drops her head and rubs the back of her neck as a tension headache took hold. She feels the bones at the end of her neck and pulls her hand away. Even this reminded her of him. There was no-one to tell her to eat anymore.

"You ok Kathryn?" The man that steps into the room grumbles at her as he gingerly stepped past the desk where she was sitting and her head lifts to meet his eyes. His light blue eyes flicked over her, missing nothing. He was prematurely grey, and his hair was a shock in comparison to his unlined face, but it was his eyes that really grabbed you and made you uncomfortable. Nobody she had ever met, had eyes like his. They saw more than you wanted to, and they revealed more than they should. It wasn't normal for someone to carry that much anguish around. His eyes were old, ancient for someone his age.

Kathryn dropped her gaze away from his and stared at the screen in front of her. Was she ok? She honestly couldn't say. It felt like an eternity had passed since that night. She refused to let her mind wander to that night, she couldn't face it as yet. She needed more time, but she could feel it running out faster and faster. How do you answer a question that you don't know the answer to? Her gaze flicks up to his, and her voice rasps past lips that haven't said much over the last months: "I will be. In time." The surprise on his face is comical, and she smirks up at him.

"She speaks!" He says throwing his hands in the air walking around the desk before pulling her to her feet. Her laugh escapes before she can help it, and he stops abruptly. Gives her a hug, and then looks down at her seriously. "She laughs. Should I expect dancing and singing? Because if that's the case, I need to go get some whisky." She swats at him as she pushes him away and moves out of the office and into the living room of his cabin before she enters the kitchen and calls over her shoulder: "Tea?"

"Jupiter's moon No! How do you drink that stuff?! It's disgusting. Just give me a cup of coffee pls and get one for yourself." The cup she was in the process of removing from the cupboard connected a little too hard with the countertop, and she quickly pulls her hand back, looking at the shaking of her fingers as she does so. The smell of freshly percolating coffee hits her nose, and she feels the way her stomach heaves. Her eyes close tightly, and she squeezes the countertop tightly, focussing on the way the tight grip made the bones in her fingers ache. She takes a deep breath, and the smell hits her again. Another deep breath and the feeling like she is about to be sick settles slightly.

"Kathryn?"

She steadies herself, mentally shakes herself down, slowly released her grasp on the countertop and steps back. She looks across at the percolator like it was a Vidian before she approached it and filled the mug she had picked up. She takes shallow breaths while doing so to try and minimise the sick feeling the smell induced. All need for a cup of tea gone, she turns and brings the coffee back to him.

"Here you go." She practically shoves the cup at him before she goes to sit down on the furthest lounge chair close to the fire, the heat slowly filling her icy hands with warmth. She leans back into the cushions and pulls her feet up in front of her.

The buzzing in her ears settles slowly, and the familiar sounds in the cabin soothe her frayed nerves as they start penetrating. The crackle and pop of the fire, the creak of the chair Jonas was sitting on. She hears the way he sighs when he takes the first sip, and memory of that feeling pops into her head and makes her lips quirk in response. She missed it. But the smell…she just couldn't stand the smell anymore. She knows why the Admiral stopped drinking coffee now, she understood. And it didn't help her one little bit, it didn't make any of this any better. SHE hadn't made anything better. Kathryn pulls her thoughts in tightly, gently rubbing at her eyes as she did so, consciously relaxing her shoulders and releasing the breath that felt trapped in her chest. This internal monologue always ended the same. She had to stop doing this, it was pointless.

His chair creaks as he stands and moves towards the kitchen. Kathryn hears him refill the cup before he retraces his steps back to the living room and to his chair.

"Its time Kathryn. You cant keep on hiding here. Eventually, you are going to have to go back and face whatever it is you ran from." His voice is like a bucket of cold ice water, and her head whips around to him.

"Are you kicking me out?" Her eyes locked with his and refuse to back down.

He chuckles and shakes his head at her. "You know that you can stay here for as long as you want. All I am saying is that it is time. You need to get back to your life, its time to start living again. Staying here with me is not good for you." His blue eyes held hers gently, and finally, Kathryn drops her gaze. She knows he is right, but she needed a little more time, she needed to face up to what happened and find a way to move forward.

The sigh rolls up from her chest and gently puffs over her lips. "I know. I know its time. Just give me three more days."

"Two!" He bargains, and she huffs another laugh at him.

"Done! I would have settled for one!" She spits at him, and his laughter rumbles around her like a storm thundering in the distance, creasing his face in lines and furrows. She smiled ruefully and watches him chuckle as the laugh comes to a rusty end.

"I can see how you managed to get back in 7 years instead of 70."

She smirks again, and stands up and stretches her back. "Time to get back." She says as she lifts her hands above her head. " I will see you in two days. Think you can get John over here for a ride back to the transporter station then?"

He takes another sip from his cup and unfolds his massive frame from the chair he had been sitting on. "Should be fine. I will let him know." He walks across to her and gently wipes a hand across her cheek. "You know I didn't mean to push. But Tom sounded desperate. He hasn't said why, but I think you maybe need to give him a call and let him know you are on the way back."

Kathryn closes her eyes and nods lightly before she steps up to him and gives him a hug. " I will see you later. Thank you, Jonas. For everything." She steps back and turns and heads to the door to put on her boots and jacket before she pulls the door open and steps out onto the porch surrounding the cabin.

"You are welcome, Captain. Anytime" his voice follows her out and she hears him step through to the kitchen before she closes the door. No doubt he was getting another coffee. Sometime soon she will have to sit down with Tom and ask him how he knew Jonas. Jonas never talked about it, just said that Tom was an old friend from a long, long time ago.

The bite in the air nips at her neck, and she shrugs deeper into her jacket. She shoves her hands into her pockets and runs her gaze over the profusion of colours that greet her as she steps up to the steps. Autumn had always been one of her favourite seasons. The leaves crunch under her feet as she starts the walk toward her cabin. The fresh air places pop of colour on cheeks that were too pale and gives her a glow that has been absent for far too long. She tips her head back and takes a deep cleansing breath before she slowly paces back along the trail that would lead her under a canopy of red, gold and brown. She loved this. The wind playfully kicked up some leaves, skipping them ahead of her on the path and she watches the swirls and curls they made. Some birds in the trees where crisply ringing out strings of notes that was thrown around between the trees.

She had forgotten this. Forgotten these small moments. How much a moment held in a place like this. How much life was found at this time of year. The sound of an animal scurrying across the path up ahead makes her smile. She knew that he would be waiting for her. A bundle of black fur scrambles around the corner of the trail and bounds up to her, tail wagging so hard his whole body shook with it.

"Hey, Shadow." She bends down to rub his head before she continues along her way, and the dog follows her much like his name suggests, carefully and to her left. When she first met Shadow this habit he had of following along her heels on the left made her eyes sting with tears. Now she was grateful for the company and the ears he lent when she needed someone to talk to.

Ten minutes later she hears the sound of the water and the smell filters up her nose along with damp earth and moss. As she rounds the bend Shadow sticks his nose just past her leg and pops his head up towards her. The chuckle pops over her lips, and she shakes her head at him.

"You know you will freeze if you go into the water. Go have a drink then come up to the cabin." She wags a finger at him as he kept looking up at her like he understood every word she was saying. "Don't be Silly now. Go" she says and points to where the stream was happily skipping over the riverbed and under the bridge she stepped onto to cross to the cabin that sat waiting for her on the other side.

Shadow barked and then took off like phaser fire towards the water, barking madly and making Kathryn laugh. She stopped for a moment and looked at his antics as he wildly snapped at the freezing ripples while dancing around in the shallows. A squirrel to his left made him spin and dash further towards the trees, and he disappeared barking into a bush.

"Don't go too far!" She yelled after him as he crashed through the trees in a mad rush to find the squirrel that was already sitting up the tree snickering at him. Silly dog. The smile stayed on her face as she walked up to the cabin. Her eyes thoughtfully locked on the colour covered ground in front of her.

It was only when she stepped up onto her porch that she became aware that she wasn't alone anymore. Her hand stopped halfway to the door as goosebumps broke out over her skin. Her eyes closed briefly before she took a deep breath. And so reality had found her. She squared her shoulders and without turning opened the door to the cabin and finally broke the silence that had helped her heal.

"You best come in Commander, it will be dark soon." And she disappeared into the bowls of the cabin.

Chakotay stared at the spot she had just been. And relief made him stagger slightly before he stood back against the wall of the cabin to take a breath.

He had found her.

Ps: sorry for keeping you waiting, this story is taking on a life of itself, and I feel like I don't have enough time to write down what comes out. More to follow soon.


	6. Chapter 6

A way out

Do you know what it is like,

To lie in bed awake;

With thoughts to haunt

You every night,

Of all your past mistakes.

Knowing sleep will set it right —

If you were not to wake.

 **CHAPTER 6**

She couldn't remember how she got to the transporter station. She doesn't remember leaving the ballroom, or the route she had followed to end up here. She feels a gentle tug and turns to find Tom next to her, speaking to her, but she struggles to hear anything above the loud rushing in her ears. On some level, she knew that she was probably in shock. She knew that the last months of additional pressure with debriefing added to a load that used to be shared for seven years. But she had chosen to keep him at arm's length. And tonight was the final nail in a coffin that pushed her over the edge. There was a part of her that was desperately trying to snap out of it, but the more significant part, the part that hurt and missed him and what could have been, what should have been, was just in agony.

Tom placed his hands on her upper arms and was rubbing up and down, probably to try and get some feeling and heat into her. She felt numb. His voice seemed to finally filter from far away, breaking through in spits and spurts.

"Captain…..Kathryn you need to….listen to me!" Her eyes connected with his when her name was used. His face was creased with concern, and he kept rubbing his hands up and down her arms. She shivered and looked around her slowly. Her voice felt sluggish, but she finally managed to rasp the words out. "How did I get here Mr Paris?" Tom closed his eyes briefly and then stepped back to remove his tuxedo jacket and wrapped it around her shoulders. She felt drowned in it, but the heat felt wonderful against her frozen skin.

Tom glanced around them and then frowned over her shoulder before he came to a decision. He steered her across the transporter station to a technician at the desk who directed them towards a room to the left of the hall designated for Starfleet personnel. Tom guided Kathryn through the doors and up toward the transporter platform before turning back to the man standing behind the console waiting for coordinates. A hushed conversation took place, and the man suddenly came to attention and glanced at her before he nodded and quickly stepped across the room towards the door and disappeared from sight.

Tom hurriedly started inputting data into the console. He glanced up at Kathryn and freezes. He remembered that look on her face. It was there every time they lost someone on the way home. And it was there when she lost her father and Justin, but tonight…tonight reminded him of a time he wanted to forget. He had seen this woman face down the Kazon, the Vidians, and finally dealing a blow to the Borg. She did not buckle, and she did not falter, but tonight, out of uniform and without Chakotay's bulk behind her left shoulder she just looked small, vulnerable and lost. Kathryn Janeway it seemed, had given her heart away some time ago.

Though they suspected and the scuttlebutt regarding the command team was always busy, he had never really understood just what Chakotay had meant to her. It was all just speculation and ration winning opportunity without really realising what it must have been like for both of them. Because he had no doubt that what he saw tonight went both ways. Chakotay's face when he looked at her tonight… The man had taken a blow that would shake anybody.

As for Kathryn… it seemed she loved like she did everything else…at full speed with everything she was. And tonight he got a front row seat to what happens when a woman like her finally broke.

It was devastating to watch.

He wasn't sure that what he was about to do was the right thing, but she needed some time. Some time to grieve, and some time to pull herself together. And she couldn't do that with all the press coverage she was exposed to. It was pure luck that they managed to get out of the ball without being spotted by some snap-happy news person.

He wasn't sure what exactly had happened between the two people on that balcony tonight, but he had heard the scuttlebutt about Chakotay and Seven. But just this once he refused to believe that she would have to give another part of herself for her crew and her promise to get them home. Because if he knew one thing, its that the woman standing on that platform would without thinking twice, and without reservation do anything for her family.

And he suspects that tonight she had given one of them the ultimate sacrifice.

Her heart.

Tom felt his own heart spasm in sympathy for the small woman who seemed so much more substantial in life than what she indeed was. Kathryn Janeway was after all, still only human. Stronger than most, able to carry the world on her shoulders when it was demanded of her, but still so very fragile in her humanity. All his protective instinct kicked into overdrive and he knew that no matter what she deserved some time. And he knew just where to send her.

He walked back to where she was standing on the platform looking at the door like she was waiting for someone to come through it. She knew Chakotay would follow her. He patted down his tuxedo jacket that was still wrapped around her shoulders, finding the pad hidden in one of the pockets and he started inputting a message onto the device.

"I am sending you someone. Kathryn needs a place to stay and rest. Look after her, keep her safe. I will contact you as soon as possible." He hit send, and the device made a sound that it was received by the recipient.

"Acknowledged", pinged back and the device went silent once more. Tom quickly inputs another message and addressed it to Kathryn before placing the pad back into the pocket of the jacket and wrapping his hands around her shoulders once more. "Captain. I need you to look at me." He said slowly trying to get her attention.

She slowly turned her head towards him.

Kathryn didn't understand what he was asking. Her mind kept wanting to go back to that moment on the balcony, she kept wanting to remember the feel of being wrapped in his arms, not the feeling of being covered in this jacket. Her eyes kept jumping to the door. And then Tom gave her a slight shake.

"Kathryn! Do you need a place to stay?" His voice was firm and his eyes connected with hers. And just like that, her world collided with reality, and she sucked in a breath. Pain sliced through her, and she closed her eyes against the onslaught of memory playing the scene on the balcony on a cruel loop behind her eyelids. Tom's hand firmed on her arms and grounded her slightly at this moment and she focussed on her breathing, focussed on moving air slowly in and out of her chest, concentrated on the way her chest wall was screaming in pain, and forced herself to push through, to shut down everything but what Tom was saying. She was a Starfleet Captain damn it. She could do this, she could focus on what this man was trying to tell her.

A sound behind the door made her eyes fly open, and she could feel panic slowly creeping back in. Deep breath, in and out. Shoulder the dread, shoulder the pain. All of her training slowly kicked in, and she focused finally. Clear eyes turned to Tom and her eyes connected with his. Kathryn knew what he was offering.

Time.

Time to stop, time to let go, time to finally learn to live a day without him.

She had known Tom for a long time. She had seen him at his worst and at his best, but nothing would ever make her love this man more and feel more proud for being called his family, than standing here today, knowing what he was willing to do for her. She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave a small smile. Her eyes sparkled brightly under the lights, and Tom pulled her towards him, wrapping her in a hug that they had never shared before. "Are you sure you want to do this Kathryn?" He asked with his mouth close to her ear. She gently pulled away and looked up at him.

"Yes." The word was sure, and it ripped another piece of her apart and left it bleeding. She needed this. She needed to find herself, it was time for Kathryn to come home, and time for the Captain to go on a much-needed vacation. She just wasn't sure how she was going to do that.

Raised voices behind the door, caught her attention again, and Tom saw a flash of pain cross her face before she faced him again.

"He will fight you on this. He will not accept this or make it easy for you." Her voice was rough, and she sounded exhausted. Tom glanced behind him when the noise at the door picked up another octave and determination crossed his face when he looked back at her. "I can handle the big guy." His voice is strong and sure, but underneath it all, she saw concern and worry. He grips her hands tightly and looks earnestly into her eyes. "I will try and give you as much time as I can." He hesitates briefly then starts again. "Captain are you sure that you and the Commander…". He falters, and a slight flush creeps onto his face as her face shuts down any possibility of further questions. Tom steps back slightly, take one last long look at her. Nods briefly before he steps back across to the console.

He makes the final adjustments and implements a code that will remove all trace of the transport from the console before he looks back up at her. "Jonas is an old friend. He knows you are coming."

Suddenly there is shouting at the other side of the door, and he sees the frantic horror in her eyes as one voice clearly becomes audible through the door. She turns pleading eyes to him just as the door bursts open, and Chakotay nearly falls through the door with the transporter technician flapping around his shoulders. "Let go for Kahless sake!" He roars at the poor man. His eyes connect with Tom's across the console, and he turns toward the transport platform just as he hears Tom saying "Energise!"

"Kathryn NO!" He roars as he stumbles toward the platform but the man still holding on to him makes him stumble, and he blindly grabs for her and misses. The last thing he sees is the woman he loves disappearing in a transporter beam. The bottom of his world falls out, and a sick feeling almost makes him heave. Anger sliced through him and he stumbles to a stop in front of the platform.

She had walked away. From him. Again.

And for the first time since this thing between them had begun with him stepping onto her starship he is furious. How dare she?! How dare she do this?! The gall of the woman. He loved her, he will always love her. She had come back from the future to tell him she loved him, to open up a wound that he thought was slowly healing, made his heart sing inside his chest and then she just walks away. Not once, not twice, but three times. His body turns to a wall of vibrating anger and the man still holding on to him slowly let's go and backs off.

Chakotay slowly turns towards the console, and for the first time, Tom understands why they sent a starship after him into the badlands. This was the man that had been on Starfleet's most wanted list. Finally, he swallows heavily, and he wonders if he really will be able to handle "the big guy" like he told the Captain.

"You have five seconds to reprogram that console and send me after her Tom." His voice is eerily calm, and his stillness is the only thing that warns Tom that this man is not as cool as he appears. He slowly backs away from the console and sees the sneer on Chakotay's face right before he starts stalking across the room towards Tom, never letting him out of his sight.

Tom keeps backing up and then stops. He straightens his spine, squares his shoulders, and he lifts his chin. "No." His voice stops Chakotay in his tracks.

For a second Tom thinks that Chakotay will leave the room, but instead, a growl escapes his throat before he becomes a blur as Toms gets smacked against the back wall of the transporter room, and his head is painfully pushed back against the wall. Tom purposefully relaxed in the grip Chakotay had on him. He would gain nothing by fighting.

"That was not a request, and you do not get to keep my Captain's location from me." The irony of his words was not lost on Tom. And a smile cockily creeps up to his face before he smirks,

"You are a fool Chakotay, and she deserves better."

B'Lanna's voice cuts through the room. "That is enough you two! Let my husband go Chakotay!"

Chakotay ignores her command, keeps his focus on Tom, and then he growls out so only Tom can hear. "I know she deserved better damn you. But I love her, and I need her." Tom's eyes widen, and for a moment he considers granting the request but then he remembers Kathryn face from a moment before.

No.

The Captain needed this. She had asked for this, and he had promised her time. He doesn't need to say anything. Chakotay swore under his breath and lets him go abruptly and then backs away slowly.

"You can't keep her hidden forever Tom. Eventually, I will find her. I will remember this day Paris." And with that, he turns around and stalks past the pale transporter Tech. B'lanna looked at the man like she only just realised there was a stranger present for this little disaster that just played out. She walks across to him, puts her face right into his and softly says: "Talk, and I will make your life hell. Do you understand?" The young officer couldn't be more than 20, and he pales in front of her like had just seen his own death.

"Yes, mam!" And with that, he quickly leaves the room.

B'lanna looks at the door for a long time before she turns to Tom. "Well, that went well." The sarcasm drips from her words. "A little more of a heads up next time would be appreciated, Tom. What were you thinking?! You do not know what he will do to find her Tom." She snaps at him.

And then Tom bursts out laughing. "It's about time he started chasing her properly B'lanna." He grins at her.

B'lanna rolls her eyes at him and links her arm with his as she pulls him toward the transporter console. "You have a death wish Tom Paris. He is going to turn the world upside down looking for her." Tom pulled her to a stop and became serious. "Do you think I did the right thing?" He voices the concern he had since he stepped into the transporter centre this evening. B'lanna linked her hands around his neck and pulls him towards her, kissing him gently before she pulls away to put her fingers lightly through his hair.

"You are a smart man Flyboy. Have I ever told you that?"

PS: Sorry this took so long. Been trying to get this done in between life and all that. Hope the story is still enjoyable. I know there are probably errors. Apologies if this affects the reading. Enjoy and let me know what you think.


	7. Chapter 7

IN THE END

I was ready to give it all up —everything. I was half out of my mind with love. And I didn't think twice about what I was throwing into the fire, as long as I could keep it burning for just another minute —if only I were allowed to sit a while longer beside its pale glow.

That was how I loved you in the end. With my body cold and shuddering. With empty hands over smouldering ash, counting out the minutes.

Lang Leav

 **CHAPTER 7**

She was crying.

She was sitting on the ground, surrounded by a pool of green fabric, wrapped in a black tuxedo jacket. The jacket had partially slipped off one shoulder revealing a back that was being wracked with sobs. The sounds she was making was painful to listen to. It was the sound of every goodbye unwanted, every ending to every story of heartbreak ever told, the sound of never and forever all rolled into one excruciatingly painful and sad expression of noise.

Physically it looked painful, and he knew that it must be the way she was crying. Her body was torn to pieces by the sounds crushing out of her windpipe. Uncontrolled and harsh. He remembered what that felt like. He remembered because it was burned into his memory. Nothing stops crying like that.

Nothing.

It was the kind that you just had to allow to run its course, because trying to keep it in, would literally shred your soul into atoms. Holding her would bring her no comfort. She would cry until she fell into exhaustion. And maybe if she were lucky tomorrow would bring some measure of relief.

But until then, he would let her be.

Jonas continued to watch over the woman sitting on the cold ground, and his memory took him to places he equally wanted to forget and remember. Because remembering would bring feelings back about something that he desperately missed and wanted but at the same time tried to ignore. Life wasn't fair. It was equal parts cruel and beautiful, and it would remain so far beyond his time or hers. Just like birth eventually was followed by death. Acceptance had long ago come as a balm to his ravaged soul. This was life, joy couldn't exist without understanding heartbreak.

He remained silent. His gaze averted, affording her privacy that he knew he would never tell another soul about. Nobody needed to know about this. And whoever she was, she would not thank him later for making her aware that her private agony was being witnessed by a stranger. Nobody wanted that. These moments where the kind that needed no witnesses. And something told him, that this woman valued her privacy.

After what felt like forever the sounds stopped, and she slowly slid sideways, her body shuddering from a combination of cold and exhaustion. Her eyes closed and the night sounds around her gently lulled her into sleep. She would sleep for a long time and if she were lucky it would be dreamless.

Jonas finally stepped out of the dark cover of the trees and approached her still form. She had rolled herself into a small ball, her hair partially obscuring her features. She was beautiful. He looked down at her for a long time before he bent down and gently picked her up. She weighed next to nothing. Shivers made her tremble, and she instinctively burrowed into the heat his body provided. He slowly made his way back to the log style cabin further down the track.

It was a beautiful place. The moon was bright in a sky littered white with stars older than this planet, and they provided a magical light to the surrounding trees. The wind rustled through the trees and the night animals provided a background noise that made the silence feel more natural. Further, into the trees, the sound of water gently flowing rounded out the night. And when he looked down on the woman in his arms, he was met by eyes of blue midnight. He didn't know her, but he felt a kinship with her that softened his own eyes. She would survive, he recognised a fighter when he saw one. Maybe a bit dented and bruised but she would pull through whatever knocked her down.

"You are safe. Go to sleep, I will be here when you wake up." His voice rumbles softly under her ear, blending in with the night sounds like it was part of it. Her eyes stare up at him for a long time, unblinking, assessing. And then he feels her let go of the extreme tension and the silent trust given was something he had no doubt this woman made you work for under normal circumstances. Her sigh met his ears, and he hears the relief in it, and it makes him close his eyes briefly. She had finally stopped fighting. And now he hoped that she would rest.

And that was how Jonas Fielding met Kathryn Janeway.

—

That first day she woke up, she felt like she had gone a couple of rounds with B'Lanna in a sparring match. She hurt, her muscles were stiff and had enough tension riddling them that she knew she had been sleeping for a long time. She remained in bed despite the discomfort, just pulled the blankets up over her head and shut the world out for a little longer. Her eyes eventually closed and the light filtering through the sheets finally turned darker until full night came upon her again. And she slept again.

Sunshine woke her up the next time, and her body ached in protest from lying in one position for so long. Her bladder was screaming at her to empty itself, but somehow she still could not move. She stayed looking at the dust motes dancing around in the yellow afternoon sun filtering through curtains in a room she didn't recognise. But she knew she was safe. Because he had told her so.

She didn't know the man who had brought her here. But she knew that she could trust him. Finally, when the choice was between wetting herself, the bed and getting up, she finally lifted her tired, hurting self from the mattress and swung her trembling body over the side of the mattress. Dizziness made her close her eyes, and she trembled from the effort before she slowly stood on legs that almost immediately cramped and screamed protest. But she gritted her teeth, and she moved as quickly as she could to the door she assumed led to a bathroom somewhere.

She pulled the door open, and was met with a short hallway and directly across it was the open door to a bathroom. She looked down on the ruined gown that was dragging around legs. She stepped into the bathroom that had an old shower and a clawfoot tub on one side and the toilet and basin on the other. The room was dominated by a huge window that was facing a mass of trees that she could only assume was the forest she had been beamed into. The tub was placed in front of it. Kathryn kept looking at the window. The silence filling everything around her permeated into her bones, and she allowed her mind to remain blank, flowing along the ripples of occasional sound that filtered in from outside.

She stripped the gown as quickly as she could and made short work of relieving herself before she went to fill the tub. When she finally sunk beneath the water, the relief of soaking her aching muscles in hot water was overwhelming. She finally sunk beneath the water, wetting her hair. Then she sat up, and she started washing. She scrubbed using the old-fashioned sponge next to the bath until her skin glowed pink. She wiped the marks of tears away and cleaned her hair. When she finally stepped out of that bath, she felt empty. She stood next to the tub for a long time watching the water swirl away with it seven years worth of layers of the captain that she had become. There was nothing but air and relief. For the first time in a very long time, she felt like an individual. She felt like Kathryn. She felt fragile, like a newborn calf standing on shaky legs.

She finally turned and grabbed the towel that was hanging on the door. She rubbed herself down and then spotted the brown pants and soft green sweater neatly folded on the stand next to the basin. She found everything she needed to dress. The clothes felt soft against skin pink and sensitive from the bath. Finally, she stood in front of the basin brushing her teeth and found herself looking in the mirror.

The woman staring back at her was the same as the one she had been looking at for as long as she could remember. But her eyes were too big, and her skin too pale. Dark shadows filled her eyes and pooled beneath them. And that's when she noted a white, grey hair hidden within the folds of the Auburn. The memory of a different mirror image overlays her own. She is looking at the Admiral. She tightly squeezes her eyes shut, willing the image away. She rinses her mouth and then she turns and walks away from it. Refusing to allow memories of another her to draw her back from the silence she chose to surround herself with.

She walked into the hallway and walked down away from the bedroom. The hall spills into a larger room that combined kitchen and living space with a fireplace that dominated the room. The kitchen was fitted with replicators and all the modern bells and whistles. She goes to the replicator but hesitates. Her stomach growled loudly, and she sighs.

Somehow the thought of coffee made her feel sick to her stomach, and so refusing to acknowledge this she ordered a camomile tea and some toast with butter. She wolfed the bread down and nearly burnt her tongue with the tea, then ordered some more before she walked to the front door. She opened the door, and the wind rustling through the leaves and the sound of the forest and river under a wooden footbridge meets her eyes. The sound of a creaking chair made her turn her head slowly towards the large man sitting rocking silently on the porch.

"You were out for three days. The name is Jonas Fielding. Tom sent you here. We have known each other for a long time, him and me." His voice is soft, clipped like he wasn't used to doing too much talking, and he falls silent again. He keeps rocking and looking out at the forest, and Kathryn finally sits down on the big armchair next to him. She silently finished her toast and tea, places the plate and cup next to the chair before she pulls her legs up underneath her.

"There is a blanket behind you," his voice rumbles from beside her. "This cabin is yours for as long as you need it. There isn't anybody around for 100 kilometres. If you need anything, I live through the woods, just follow the path over the footbridge, it's about a 20min walk. Nobody will bother you here."

His eyes finally turned towards her, and she silently meets his gaze. The piercing blue of his eyes meet hers, seeing more than what she was willing to share, and she drops her gaze. She feels him looking at her for a long time before she finally lifts her chin and meets his gaze square on.

"If you need to talk, come to find me. Otherwise, I will leave you be." He slowly unfolds his tall frame from the rocking chair and towers above her. He hands over a pad to her as he passes her, nods his head once and steps down the steps and starts heading towards the bridge.

Silently she stares after him and just as he is about to cross she yells after him,

"Kathryn! Nice to meet you, Jonas."

"Nice to meet you too Kathryn!" his voice carries back to her over his shoulder as he walks over the bridge and disappears into the trees.

And finally, she was alone.

For the first time in more than 7 years, she was by herself. Just her, the trees and the wind. No red alerts, no crew, no responsibilities or debriefings, no Captain. Only Kathryn Janeway. Relief poured through her, and she pulls her legs up underneath her, grabs the blanket behind her and just sits there listening to the sounds of a world she had forgotten. It felt strange not feeling the hum of Voyager's engines under her feet. She takes a deep breath, and her eye catches the pad that Jonas had given her, and she activates the screen.

"Captain, I will let your family know that you needed some time. But you know your sister and mother, so make sure you let them know you are still ok. If you need anything just let me know. Hope you find what you are looking for. Take care. Tom. PS: Jonas is a good man, you can trust him."

Kathryn closes her eyes and leans her head back against the back of the armchair. And the reality of what had happened over the last 2 months finally settled into her bones. The silence and solitude allow time for reflection that was not granted to her for a very long time.

They had done it.

They were home.

Her gaze slowly turns to the empty chair on her left. And loneliness made itself part of her again. Tears sprang to her eyes and signed them anew. She missed him, she missed him like she never thought it was possible to lose him. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be, he was supposed to be here by her side.

But he wasn't.

And now she had to learn to live without him.

She closed her eyes and allows the knowledge of this to find a place within her, to become part of her. That part of her that was reserved for a man she had met 7 years ago when he stepped onto her bridge, aches painfully as it made space for the knowledge that he would not be growing old with her.

She sits there, while night slowly drowns out the day. The moon bathes the landscape around her into all the shades of grey and black and the stars spear across millions of light years to dot the sky with thousands of bright fairy lights.

She finally stands and leans at the balcony. And for the second time in the space of a few days she lifts her eyes to the stars with constellations, she didn't think she would ever see again. And she waits. She waits some more.

But there is no presence at her back towards her left side. The tears when they arrive burn like acid up into her throat, scalding down her cheeks and dropping down onto knuckle turned white against the balcony railing. She never dreamed that she would lose Chakotay, but then she never really had him to begin with. She hadn't wanted to fall in love with him, but the feelings had crept up on her and taken up residence within a heart that hadn't wanted to fall in love ever again. And here she was, with her world burned down to ash around her.

What a fool she was.

She stood there for a long time, stars blurred by salty tears. After a long time Kathryn became aware of a presence by her side, and when she looks down, a dog is sitting by her side looking up at her. Fur so black that it blends into the night. He sits there staring at her, head cocked to the side with ears peaked as if listening, and finally, a small smile breaks across her face.

Maybe this world still had some good to offer.

—

Over the course of the next couple of months, Kathryn spent a lot of time with Shadow by her side as she had taken to calling the mixed breed animal. They walked for kilometres through the woods, Shadow stepping just behind her to her left, and it made missing Chakotay a little easier. They swam in the river that was so cold it was almost painful, but it made her feel alive, and she spent nights in front of the fire talking to Shadow. About everything and nothing. She told him about all of it, and he listened to her like he understood every word of what she was saying. And finally, when her soul felt relieved and lighter, she took the path towards Jonas where she finally started talking to someone else besides a dog. Slowly she started healing, and she accepted that what happened had happened. She looked back on time spent in the Delta Quadrant, and perspective hard-won settled her back into herself. She slowly became whole again, away from it all.

Finally, the woman and the Captain became one again.

Then one late afternoon when she least expected it, she feels his presence close by, and a part of her that had been missing fills with soft acceptance. And she invited him back into her world. Because no matter how he was part of it, as long as he was, she could live with that.

"You best come in Commander, it will be dark soon."

As simple as that Kathryn rejoins a world she had walked away from with no intention of returning to.


	8. Chapter 8

THREE QUESTIONS

What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.

It was like being exhumed, I answered. And brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.

It was like being seen after perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow.

There was a long pause before I responded.

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me —said all at once.

-Lang Leav

 **CHAPTER 8**

He had tried everything that he knew of to try and find her. Official channels, unofficial channels, her family, crew members (he nearly punched Tuvok when he started talking about if the Captain wanted him to know, blah blah blah), and after almost five months of dead ends, of nights, spent worrying, he had ended back at the Paris household.

He had been so angry at Tom those first months. He had been livid. B'Lanna came to see him a couple of times, but he could barely look at her. And so when she came to see him last night they had an argument. He said things he was not proud of, and she had lost her temper badly. She had told him some things that hurt, but they were the truth, and here he was standing in front of their front door, about to ask them a final time to help him.

He closed his eyes, and last nights memories play inside him like a bad comedy.

"You where lonely?! You where lonely! And you thought to date Seven was a good idea?!" She spat the words at him. The contempt on her face is enough to turn his stomach. "You know I never understood what it was with you and the Captain. I saw you drifting apart, and I saw what those years had done to you. But for Kahless sake Chakotay, even a blind Targ could sense what you two felt for each other." She turned away from him and walked towards the window.

"She had her protocols and her regulations B'Lanna." The explanation falls from his lips, and even he is revolted by the words.

"Did you tell her you loved her?" She asked bluntly. "Or did you just assume that she had to telepathically know?"

He sits down on the chair slowly, exhausted by lack of sleep and by the energy needed to continue with this conversation.

"Kathryn knew, she always knew, " he says slowly, pointedly.

B'Lanna sighs heavily and moves across the room to sit in the chair opposite him.

"Chakotay, she didn't know. Why else would the Admiral come to you from the future? Think about it. She didn't know. You never told her that you loved her. You told her a story about staying by her side, but you never actually told the Captain that you loved her." She takes hold of his hand across the table.

He stares at her for a long time and the words the Admiral said to him just before she left plays back in his mind…

'I can't ask you to love me. I can't ask that of you if you already love another…but if there is even a chance that you love me, no matter how slim. Then I beg you. Please, please do not give up on me.'

Slowly the realisation hits him square in the gut. His stomach turns violently, and he can feel the blood draining from his face.

No.

'I will give you the time that I should have given you when I was out here. This is my gift to you. What you do with it, is your future to make, and whomever you share it with is for you to decide.'

It couldn't be that simple. Surely she knew. She had to know.

All those times that they spent together, all the times they had dinner, all the touches the meeting of eyes that he thought would have told her what she meant to him, he finally sees it from her perspective. He was always professional, he never crossed a line too personal with her, worried that he would place her in an awkward position. He even told her there were lines they never crossed in an alternate timeline. Seen from her perspective, he kept a distance, he never passed a line that could be seen as too intimate, she was his best friend, and that's all she thought he felt for her.

He was an idiot.

The groan rips through him, and he drops his head on the table. He was the most stupid man on the planet, no in the damn universe. How could he possibly forget something as simple as telling her? Another groan rips through his mouth, and he bangs his head on the table.

B'lanna snorts from the other side, and he whips his head up. He drags his hands down his face and looks at her with the horror of it all on his face.

"Yep, thought as much. You think a woman should just know when you have fallen for them. For two people who were almost living with each other you spent so much time together, you sure know how not to talk about the things that matter." She stands up from the table and starts getting her jacket and bag together before she walks towards the door. She stops just before she activates it and turns back to him.

"You owe Tom an apology. And you owe Tuvok one too. You have behaved like a damn fool. When you are ready, come for dinner, we can talk, and then we can see how we can help you to clean up this mess you have made." She smiled at him gently and turns and walks out the door.

He stayed seated on that chair for a long time. Years of interactions between him and Kathryn ran through his mind. And finally, he sees. Kathryn always backed off, she flirted, and she played the game but because she never knew where she stood with him, and he was so damn focused on toeing the line, she never really knew what she meant to him. So she did what Kathryn Janeway always did, she pulled back to protect herself. She knew he cared for her, as a friend. But he never told her that he loved her. She believed he had fallen in love with Seven, so she had set him free.

Damn her and her self-sacrificing ways.

The sun came up when he finally got up and walked towards the shower. He had a lot of planning to do. He had to go and find the woman he loved. And then he had to convince her that he loved her and he wanted to spend his life with her.

But first, he had to go and grovel. Humble pie doesn't taste all too sweet when you had Tom Paris smirking across a table at you. This was going to be a story he will never hear the end of.

So here he is. Standing in front of their house, pressing the automatic identification buzzer, when the door slid open to reveal Tom Paris with the biggest damn smile ever on his face. Chakotay feels his neck heating, and he sheepishly tugs on his ear.

And of all of the things that he thought Tom would say, he floored him with what came out of his mouth.

"Welcome to the club Old Man! B'Lanna has been singing about the stupidity of men since she left your place." And he pulls him into the house like Chakotay hadn't behaved like a total Ptak over the course of the last couple of months. He takes his jacket from him and hangs it in the hallway closet and starts moving further into the house, but Chakotay stops him.

"Tom…" he starts roughly.

Tom stops with his back facing him, his back tight and the air thick with something Chakotay struggled to identify. He turns around swiftly and steps up to Chakotay. Looks him dead in the eye, and anger that makes Tom Paris look older than he is, hit's Chakotay square in the chest.

"Chakotay if you love her, truly love her, then I will help you. But if you are standing here today, because you think you have to do this because of any other reason, I need you to turn around and leave." his words are low and dangerous. "Kathryn deserves some happiness in her life. She is the strongest person I know, but if you ever hurt her again..." and he steps right into Chakotay's personal space and puts his face right into his. "I will do everything that I can to make you regret it for the short amount of time you will have left once the rest of the crew finished with you." The threat is said with so much intent and so menacingly low that it makes Chakotay swallow hard.

"I love her. She is stubborn, and she is mouthy and beautiful and intelligent, and I love her more than she will ever know." His voice is rough and low, he drops Toms gaze for a moment before he looks back up, eyes bright. "I will make her happy Tom. I swear to you, I will make her happy. She means everything to me."

Tom looks at him searchingly for some time. Then he smirks across at him before he pushed him backwards.

"Now about that apology, and what you owe me…" Chakotay groans and Tom starts laughing as he walks further into the hallway.

For the first time in five months, Chakotay smiles.

—

He leans back against the cabin, and the intense relief he feels to be back in her proximity is staggering. He had missed her. He had missed her so damn much, and now he could hear her moving around inside, just on the other side of this wall. He takes the time to savour this feeling. For he was never leaving her side again.

He stood straight and moved towards the door and notices how she is calmly making some drinks in the kitchen. Her back facing him and he sees that she has lost some weight, she appears that much smaller, but she seems healthy if a little pale. Her hair was loose, flaming over her back. The last time he had seen her hair free and like this was on new earth. It is so good to just look at her that his breath catches when she finally turns to face him. Her face is calm and relaxed, she is the woman he met on Voyager's bridge years before. The time alone had done her good. He smiles at her, and her mouth pulls in return.

"Its good to see you, Kathryn." He says as he walks further into the cabin towards her. Her eyes flicker for a moment when she hears his voice, but then she walks towards him and hands him a cup. "Its good to see you too Chakotay, but I must say that I am surprised to see you." And she drops his gaze to look down at the cup as she was sipping it. His smile freezes on his face, the hurt that rips through him, a surprise that hits hard. He didn't see it coming.

"Really Kathryn?" he asks with his eyes focused on her, before he pushes his hand, frustrated through his hair. "Why? Did you not think that I would come for you after what happened at the ball? You can't just kiss a man like that and then walk away." His voice strains over the last words. Hurt that he had been keeping in check for five long months turning his words harsh in his own ears.

She slowly looks up and meets his eyes silently. Kathryn wraps both her hands around her cup before she slowly walks towards the door. " Come and enjoy the evening with me." she calmly says as she moves past him. She sits down in the armchair outside and slowly sips at her tea. Careful to not jump to conclusions about his arrival. He needed an explanation. She owed him as much considering he was in love with someone else, and then she threw herself at him. Twin flames bloom in her cheeks before she dips her face towards the cup again to hide her face with hair that she had regrown long for the Homecoming Ball.

He had followed her out and sits down on the rocking chair, placing the cup of tea on the railing next to him. The wood creaks under his weight. He runs his hands over the arms of the chair appreciatively and admiring the hours of work that had gone into the production of the piece of furniture, putting his focus on the composition of furniture rather than looking at her. He can feel her eyes on him. So he takes a deep breath, closed his eyes, sits back, and rocking slowly he tries to calm himself before his hurt and anger ruin this for them.

For the first time since he met this woman, she doesn't know what is coming. For a couple of minutes, he sits rocking next to her. Savouring the feeling of having her back next to him, where she belonged. When he finally opens his eyes, he catches her eyes running over his face, concerned. And hidden so far he almost missed it, he finally spots the emotions that he could never quite place when she looked at him like this. Pain, longing. She quickly drops her face into her cup, and he realised for the first time that she always did that when he caught her looking at him. She hid what she felt. Because she believed that he didn't love her.

Oh, Kathryn… he smiles gently. And instead of anger and hurt, his love for this stubborn, intelligent, and beautiful woman who loved him so much that she would give him up if it meant he would be happy, fills his soul. She who would travel back in time to ensure that he was content and alive even if he loved another. He felt humbled by the love she had shown, even if it was a her from another timeline.

Kahless, he loved her so much that it felt like a physical presence.

Tom was right. He didn't deserve her, but oh boy, did he want her. Chakotay watches as she moved slowly to place the cup next to her chair. Then she stands gradually to walk towards the railing keeping the night at bay, watched her tip her head back to look at the first stars that are making an appearance. It vividly brings back memories of a night, not too long ago when she was dressed in a dress that made him ache. Silently he gets to his feet, the chair not giving his intent away.

He feels the way she tenses when he steps squarely to her back, not to the left, but right behind her, even, close. So close he knew that she could feel his chest brushing her back. This time he wasn't going to let her run. He had finally caught up with her, and he was damned if he was going to let her go. So before she could say anything, he turns her to him quickly, crowds her against the railing, feels her chest against his chest, could feel her heart thundering in her chest, could feel the moment the fight came over her.

Then she did exactly as he knew she would. She cocks her head back, blue eyes firing up at him, and he can see the Captain sparking back a challenge at him, hands coming up to push him back a step. But this time he was ready. This time rank, regulations, protocols, not even Tom Paris would stand between him and this woman whom he had loved since the first moment he saw her.

So Chakotay did what he had wanted to do since he stepped onto her bridge almost eight years ago.

He crashed his mouth down on hers, his arms crushed her to his chest, and he ravages her mouth. He allows his body to pull her so tight against his that he can feel every inch of her. He holds her like he won't ever let her go.

She makes a sound in her throat, raw, and he gentles his arms around her but it feels like tinder catching flame, and she comes alive in his arms. She stretches up against him, and wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him tighter against her, trying to climb into him. Her tongue slants across his, and the taste of her makes him lose control. He lifts her easily onto the railing and groans when her legs wrap around him, bringing her flush against him. Her hands greedily feel across his shoulders, down his chest and almost angrily pulls the fabric of his clothes out of her way to get to his skin. His hands wrap around her waist, and her sweater rides up slightly bringing his hands into contact with her skin.

The silk of her skin breaks the last of his restraint, and he pulls his mouth away from hers, hungrily kissing down her neck, drowning in her scent that was intoxicating him. His hands push upwards tangling with hers, ripping fabric over her head before his mouth catches hers again. Plundering, exploring. Her hands make contact with skin on his chest and electricity fires across his skin, causing him to gasp and allowing her time to push his clothes out of her way.

She pulls herself up against him kissing him, and the world tilts on its axis when she crushes her breasts up against his skin. His heart thunders in his chest, and his breath catches with the overload of sensation. Years of dreams, years of longing, nothing prepared him for the feel of her. Skin so soft, her breasts pushed into him and her hands clutching at his back, running down his sides, desperate for more.

Kathryn moaned, and the sound shatters through him. He lifts his head, his hands so shaky that he grips the railing next to her tightly, locking her in place in front of him, straightening his knees to keep them both steady. Then he looks down at her, and the image is something he knows he will never forget for as long as he lives. His breath stutters past his lips in a sigh then he gasps to fill his lungs as his heart is beating so fast it feels like it is climbing out of his chest and into hers.

She was magnificent.

Her hair was wild around her face, her eyes closed, face flushed and her lips bruised by his mouth. Her pale chest was pressed up against his, the line of her shoulders glowing in the last amber light of a dying sun, setting flame to her hair. She was so beautiful that it made his chest hurt. And when she finally opens her eyes, he says the words that he had waited a lifetime to speak to her.

"I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you, and nothing, nothing will ever change that. You are mine, and I am yours. You have always been, since the first moment I saw you on the bridge, and the first time you claimed me with a hand on my chest. I wanted to tell you that so that you know. So that no matter what crazy, stupid things we do in the future, you will know, and you will never ever doubt this again." The words rushed out of him hard and sure. His intent not to leave an ounce of doubt.

He would never forget the look on her face. Kathryn looked at him, her eyes shining from her face like two sapphires, the love so evident in her eyes took him by surprise. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out, and for a moment he thinks that she might cry, but then she smiles so gloriously that she makes his breath hiss to a halt.

"I love you too Chakotay," she merely states like she had said that so many times before it came too easy, and finally the holes that had been ripped into him so many times over the years, filled with the knowledge that she was finally his. Kathryn, Kathryn Janeway, was finally his.

Kathryn drops her legs from around his waist and pulls herself into his chest below his chin, wraps her arms tightly around him. She feels him lowering his head to hers, and his massive body envelops her.

Finally, she was home.

They stay like that for a long time.

When the cold made itself felt, Kathryn looks up at the man who she knew she would grow old with, and she smiles gently. She threads her fingers through his hand and pulls him behind her into the cabin. The door closes behind them, and Shadow gives a big yawn where he was sitting on the bottom step. He saunters up against the steps and sits in front of the door, his head cocked to one side, listening to the two people inside before he jumps up onto the old lounge chair Kathryn had sat on, did a couple of circles to get comfortable and snuggles into the fabric with a huff, his nose buried in Kathrynn's sweater that is half hanging off the front. And with a faint sniff, he closed his eyes, the soft sound of laughter lulling him further into a deep sleep.

Ps: loved writing this. The first edition was spilling out so fast I couldn't keep it in, but I have gone back and edited this and feel happier with it. Hope this rendition makes some of you smile.


	9. Chapter 9 - Stars and Sky

**CHAPTER 9**

She stood looking at them from the shadows.

Twenty years ago, she would not have understood a lot of what she had been observing from this spot over the preceding years. That first night she stood here, she saw a similar scene played out in front of her. Then she was unable to understand the significance of what had happened in front of her, and she was confused and hurt by what she had seen. But twenty years, living on earth, and after falling in love herself with a man that made her whole in places that she hadn't realised was broken, it made her smile slowly as she looked at the couple hidden in the dark ahead of her.

To human eyes, they would be hidden, but her optics allowed her clarity of sight in near darkness.

A small woman, wrapped in her husband's arms. She was looking up at him with so much love clearly visible on her face that it made Seven's breath catch for a moment. It shone from her face, and even if he could not see it clearly, by all indications he was very much aware of it as he bent his head closer to her and caught her lips with his.

Every year for the last twenty years, she had been standing here, looking at these two people. For the first six years, she had monitored, she had done research and then in the seventh year since they had come home, she had been standing in this spot, and she had finally understood.

She finally understood what he had said to her so many, many years ago.

She had been upset and she didn't understand the concept of what he was trying to explain to her. She had asked him what this "love" is that he was talking about while he was trying to explain to her why their partnership would not work.

And he had said something to her that she only understood when she truly loved someone herself.

He had held her hand and said slowly:

"For seven years I loved a woman. And for seven years I was not allowed to show her what she meant to me. It is difficult to explain this to you but I will try by telling you this: 'Some things are just simple, and I believe when you know, you just know. There is no question: I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I wanted with her what the stars share with the sky.'

He smiled at her then, with a gentleness that she could not yet understand.

"One day you will find someone Seven. And he will give you this knowledge which I cannot." And with that, he walked away from her. It was a year before she saw him again. On this balcony, looking at this woman like he was now.

Like she was his soul.

The sky exploded behind them and illuminated the couple clearly against the balcony, making them visible to the naked eye. Colourful streaks playing in neon colours across the white grey hair. He lifted his head from where he had been absorbed in the beauty of the woman in front of him, and his gaze flicks to her where she was standing in the shadows. He smiled gently and whispered softly into his wife's ear. It still amazed Seven how perceptive he was, even after all these years. How aware he was of danger in his efforts to protect the woman he was holding so firmly against his chest.

"Evening Seven." the Admirals voice rasps gently across the balcony.

Seven smiles and slowly stepped into the light that now bathed the balcony as other voyagers slowly stepped on the balcony to join them. She joined the couple as they stood facing the show that was being played out in front of them to celebrate their 20 years since they returned from the Delta Quadrant.

"Admiral. Chakotay."

Kathryn turns to her and loosens herself from Chakotay arms and wraps her arms around Seven, giving her a hug. Something that also changed when they got home. "I didn't think that you would be able to make tonight," she says as she steps back, putting a hand up to Seven's face.

Seven smiles wide. "I wouldn't miss this for anything Admiral." And her eyes caught Chakotay's, "I have concluded that it is a rare thing to be witness to what the stars share with the sky."

FIN

To all: Thanks for going on this ride with me. I hope you enjoyed the Epilogue. The quote that Chakotay gives Seven is by Christopher Pointdexter.


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